Swine flu. Run for my life!
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
