why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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