I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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