Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
40s are totally the cure
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
