Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
