On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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