If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
