I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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