and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
