I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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