So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
