u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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