i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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