Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You can't motorboat a personality
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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