Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
His nipple licking is glorious
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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