Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
