shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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