Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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