Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
BRING THE BAGELS
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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