On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
