My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I need a beard to bite.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
