she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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