I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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