apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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