Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
