Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
