My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
