you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
