Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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