I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
