Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
