4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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