I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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