this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
