Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
