then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
