I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
