today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
