a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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