I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
