If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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