Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
