actually, I'm a sock model
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
