I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Im part way to drunk.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
