I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
