i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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