did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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