I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
