Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
