Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My pussy is not your playground.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
