HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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