i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
