Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
