I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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