Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
