i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
